Letting go
No matter how long it takes, I will return to Maui AND I will eat sushi again! Little did I know, when this picture was taken in January 2011, I already had cancer. By Rose EggeWe are delayed. For the first time this week my body did not perform “above average.” Chemotherapy has finally begun to have an impact on my bone marrow and when I was supposed to begin round 6 of chemotherapy Wednesday my oncologist let me know that my platelet count was too low. To simplify it, my body was not ready for another hit from chemotherapy. So round 6 has been postponed for 1 week. According to my doctor, only about 20 percent of patients undergoing the highly aggressive Hyper CVAD chemotherapy are able to complete all 8 rounds without a delay like this. All in all, he was not concerned. And initially, I was thrilled. I got another week away from the hospital! My friends and family took the news by celebrating all the fun things I would get to do this week. But the fact remains, this is a setback. Maybe a small one, but it is less than ideal. And the control freak inside me cannot settle for “less than ideal.” I wanted to finish chemotherapy in time for Thanksgiving. I wanted the doctor to tell me I won’t need radiation. I wanted to go back to working full-time in December. I wanted to get back to dance. And yoga. And growing hair on my head. I was already planning a post-chemo dinner party. I don’t settle for “less than ideal.” But I am a living, bald symbol of “less than ideal.” Cancer at 26 is “less than ideal.” If I have learned anything through my illness it is that you cannot control what happens to you in life, you can only control your response to it. So I am learning to let go. I cannot control whether my remaining rounds of chemo will be on time. I don’t know whether my remaining spinal taps will go well, how much my bone marrow test will hurt or when I will have eyebrows again. But I know I will dance again. And do yoga. And go to Paris. And marry the love of my life. Because I am determined to live a joyful life, not matter what happens. |
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About Rose Egge
Rose Egge is a community reporter living and working in West Seattle. At age 25, doctors discovered a tumor on her spine and diagnosed her with acute lymphoblastic lymphoma, a rare type of blood cancer. While she is undergoing treatment, Rose will write about her fight against cancer and reporting in the local community. 
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