Flowers in your hair

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I celebrated the good news with a champagne toast and huckleberry ice cream!

By Rose Egge

Story Created: Oct 22, 2011

Joy. All I feel is pure joy.

Because I no longer have a tumor.

I want to shout it out and tell the whole world: “I don’t have a tumor anymore!”

On Friday afternoon I received MRI results from my doctor and found out that my spinal tumor is no longer visible.

Take THAT cancer!

I am not in full remission yet, but this means the vast majority of my cancer is gone!

I have never felt such relief, elation, or peace in my entire life.

The truth is, while I was determined to fight cancer, and kick its butt, I can’t say I was positive I would win this battle. I knew my chances were good. I knew I wanted to win more than anything else I’ve wanted in my life. But when I was faced with a life-threatening disease, I also accepted the fact that I could lose everything.

So when my doctor said “It’s gone,” I felt for the first time like I was being handed my life back. This was the first moment when I really thought “There is life after cancer.”

And while I have felt many feelings since receiving the good news, the most prominent one I have felt is gratefulness.

I woke up at 7 a.m. this morning and, instead of being cranky that I could not sleep in, I spent a few minutes listening to the glorious sound of rain slapping my deck rails. Speaking out loud, I actually thanked God for saving me. Prayer has not been a common practice of mine in recent years, but this time I could not keep the words inside my mouth. I let the gratefulness wash over me in one of those rare moments when you truly recognize how special an experience is while you are living it.

I don’t ever want to lose this feeling. In appreciation of this gift I’ve been given, I spend the rest of my days kissing my boyfriend, hugging my parents, toasting champagne with my friends, snuggling my Gato, writing beautiful words and dancing until I can’t move any more. And, most of all, I want to hold hands with cancer patients who are living in the scary place I’ve been in for the last 6 months and show them that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Because I truly believe that I am beating cancer not because of chemotherapy or cutting-edge medicine, but because of the incredible kindness I have experienced since being diagnosed. To every person reading this, please know that I am sending you a great and passionate “THANK YOU!” Kris Carr, a cancer survivor and star of the documentary once said “Cancer is not a gift, because I would not give it to anyone, but it is great teacher.” The greatest lesson I have learned from cancer is that there is an undeniable goodness in people, and that you should never doubt anyone’s ability to love. I have found compassionate in some very unexpected places over the past 6 months, and that is the reason I am still here today.

Thank you all for caring for me, I owe you my whole life.

Finally, at the risk of sounding cheesy, I will refer to a song by Mumford and Sons that says it better than I ever could:

And after the storm,

I run and run as the rains come

And I look up, I look up,

on my knees and out of luck,

I look up.

 

Night has always pushed up day

You must know life to see decay

But I won't rot, I won't rot

Not this mind and not this heart,

I won't rot.

 

And I took you by the hand

And we stood tall,

And remembered our own land,

What we lived for.

 

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.

And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.

Get over your hill and see what you find there,

With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

 

And now I cling to what I knew

I saw exactly what was true

But oh no more.

That's why I hold,

That's why I hold with all I have.

That's why I hold.

 

I will die alone and be left there.

Well I guess I'll just go home,

Oh God knows where.

Because death is just so full and mine so small.

Well I'm scared of what's behind and what's before.

 

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.

And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.

Get over your hill and see what you find there,

With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

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About Rose Egge

Rose Egge

Rose Egge is a community reporter living and working in West Seattle. At age 25, doctors discovered a tumor on her spine and diagnosed her with acute lymphoblastic lymphoma, a rare type of blood cancer. While she is undergoing treatment, Rose will write about her fight against cancer and reporting in the local community.

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