'I'm always this close to standing up and screaming back'

'I'm always this close to standing up and screaming back' »Play Video
SEATTLE -- How do you face the man accused of killing your husband, see him times over and listen to his courtroom rants and tirades?

Christopher Monfort is accused of killing Seattle Police Officer Timothy Brenton. His widow says Monfort's alleged plan backfired in a big way.

"This turned into not at all at what he thought it would be," Lisa Brenton said. "I think he thought he would get a big public gathering of support, of the cops are bad people, but what he really did was he really rallied a community and state to stand behind law enforcement and their families."

Monfort, 41, is accused of fighting a one-man war against police. Investigators say he firebombed a Seattle police maintenance yard last October in an attempt to kill officers.

Then on Halloween night, he targeted Lisa's husband and his trainee officer, Britt Sweeney, for assassination.

Lisa has vowed to try to be at every court proceeding. It's a daunting task.

"That last one hit me so hard for weeks. I think about it. I think about what he looks like, what he says. I think about everything. I think about who is sitting in the courtroom," she said. "It's not as simple as me walking in and walking out. I think about what he yells and how hard it is. My body shake. I'm always this close to standing up and screaming back.

"There's a little part of me that wants me to sit down and talk with him, which is really bizarre. There is nothing he can say that will make it OK, like, 'Well, I did it because of this,' and I'll go, 'Oh, that's OK then.' But did he really have any idea? He's destroyed my life and my children's life? We'll rebuild it and we'll be OK."

For the widow, it's also hard to see Monfort's mother in court. Lisa says she wants to tell his mother that it's OK, she knows it's not her fault.

As for the future, Lisa says she sees good things.

"Like it (the future) would have held with Tim, I'm going be happy. I want to raise my children. I want to have a life, go back to work, be happy, health, be in a marriage, be loved," she said.

On Sunday, the one year anniversary of her husband's murder, Lisa will help dedicate a memorial in Leschi. She and her children will trick-or-treat in the same neighborhood as a way to thank everyone for their support.