An open letter to Costco shoppers
By Travis Mayfield[Editor’s note: With the Easter holiday upon us I felt compelled to pen this open letter to my fellow shoppers. Please enjoy the hyperbole, but heed the warning] Dear other-Costco-shoppers, I am glad that you too have discovered the joys of Costco shopping. The quality is wonderful, the prices nice and the selection perfect for our family (clearly for your family too). However I have a quibble. Why is it you cannot enjoy these amenities without annoying the heck out of me? Why from the moment that you turn into the parking lot do you become a dithering, indecisive idiot? Why do you drive down the middle of lanes? Why do you leave shopping carts willy-nilly? Why do you ignore all polite driving decorum? Once inside, how is it that you cannot possibly pilot your shopping cart at any kind of speed? Do the bright lights and high ceilings trigger some kind of devolution in your brain? Are you now so distracted by shiny objects that you must stand squarely in the middle of high traffic aisles and stare into space for an eternity? What makes you think that I can easily get around that overloaded cart that you have simply abandoned in front of the grapes I want so you can wander away to continue staring at the Good Morning America promo running on all 1,908,129 HD TV's somewhere else? Last time I checked Costco was not Barnes and Noble...nope, no coffee shop, no comfy chairs and I certainly don't see any cartoony pictures of famous authors on the walls. So why do you continue to believe Costco is a bookstore, or worse a library where you can linger for hours...reading? And let me assure you, those samples are not, I repeat NOT, manna from heaven....so what could possibly be so amazing about getting one that you must crowd around and actually wait for the employee to open a new package, microwave a new batch, cut each one into tiny portions, dish them out into little paper cups, display them...and THEN allow you to grab one? Even after all of that frustration, I cannot comprehend your incessant need to remain in Costco even after you have paid for your purchases? What if there was a fire? At the speed you lumber toward the exit we would not only be dead, we would be unidentifiable via DNA. Please fellow Costco shopper....I understand the joy this simple trip brings to us all each weekend. But I'd like to keep my joy to under an hour. If you choose to extend the euphoria any longer that is your decision, but do not overload my pleasure nods more than they already have been. Please let me hurry by you, tick off my list, and get out...because if I cannot...some day...you might get hurt. Thank you. |
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