As your stomach, your faithful companion through 27 years of Skittles-fueled on-and-off-field pummeling, I felt that on Wednesday you were particularly cruel to me. I’m not sure if you could hear me, what with them fancy new headphones you’ve got, but here’s what I had to say:
9:45am: Alright, alright, alright! Let’s do this. Big parade day, lots of cheering, let’s fuel up. High protein breakfast, right? Hmm, nope. That tastes like sugar. Yup, that’s Skittles again. That’s okay. Tastes like rainbow. Let’s go rainbow the heck out of that crowd out there.
12pm: What are we grunting about. Unnnh, I can’t tell what you’re looking for, but I have a feeling it’s headed my way. Did a fan make you a Skittle cake? I could go for some cake. Cake warms me up. Mmm, warmth. Remember when we were warm. Oh, wait, wait, that feels warm, but that is not cake. SO WARM. MUCH BURN. WHY THIS SO DELICIOUS. Gurgle. Gurgle. Well, they call it Fireball for a reason, right?
2pm: Speaking of fire…I taste it. Yeah, I heard there was a cigar up there. I just can’t tell what’s in it. Is this the kind of cigar where we always end up at Taco Bell afterwards? Because yo quiero Taco Bell. I’d go beast mode on some Doritos Locos Tacos right now. You better get Cool Ranch though. Don’t you even TRY to come up in here with any of that regular stuff. I will shut you down faster than Richard Sherman on a corner route.
3:30pm: Oh hey! We’re into the good stuff! Mmmhmm, I can smell that Dom Perignon from here. Bubbly will totally make me forgive you for all that cigar smoke and cinnamon crap….Wait. Whaaaaa? Where are you going with that? THAT TROPHY CAN’T DRINK HUNDRED DOLLAR CHAMPAGNE. Awwww….if you don’t get me some real food soon, I’m gonna be all about that action…boss.